either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
