"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
