So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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