Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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