Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
