You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
