My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
