Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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