I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
