at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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