We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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