I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
