someone threw a dead crab at me
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
