I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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