so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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