i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
