So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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