im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize