I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
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You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
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BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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