there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I am naked and annoyed.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
