His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
