im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
