He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
