Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
