Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
