i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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