my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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