and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
