he wants to bone in the snuggie
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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