As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
