apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
false alarm. still invincible.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
