walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
