May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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