Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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