I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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