did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
