So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
