We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
