I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
