Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My vagina is officially offended.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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