I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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