After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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