I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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