She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
