I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
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I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
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Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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