I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
