Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
