I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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