Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
