Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
