Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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