She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It's blow job season.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
