I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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