this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
