She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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