To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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