How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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