Taylor Swift is so right about you.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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