I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
