Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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