from now on my penis is your penis
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
only you would photoshop your dick
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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