Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
