I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
